Changes.

(Note: When I had the idea for writing this, it seemed like it would be an easy and short post. Halfway down, it started becoming harder and harder to talk about the more I wrote. This is the hardest post I’ve ever written, and I had to take many emotional breaks.)

A Facebook memory popped up a few days ago that I am ashamed of typing. I couldn’t believe I typed those words. It was from 7 years ago.

It hit me really hard, almost to the point of making me physically sick—me, today, who is all about equality, empathy, fairness, awareness, consciousness, growth, love, and light—posted something so cruel.

I have always had friends of a different ethnicity than me. I grew up in a small town, a small, very white town, so I didn’t have many opportunities for friendships with those of another race, another culture, another perspective. But the very few that I was able to have, I did indeed befriend—because they were the outsider, and I’ve always been the outsider. So those underdogs and I, we’ve never fit in, but we fit together.

But you know, you just have them as friends. You, as a kid, even into later years, don’t take the time to listen and empathize with what they’ve gone through their whole lives. You, as a kid, don’t even realize that their lives have been so much different. It’s just never a topic that is brought up, at least in a small town, with usual small-town mindsets.

Just 7 years ago, I never thought of the implications of typing something out that was clearly a jab at how a certain race of people talked. Me? Making fun of how someone talked? Are you f—ing kidding me, 21 year old Mike? How dare you?

I am sorry back then who saw that post and was hurt. I am so, so incredibly sorry now.

Now allow this post to make a 180, but I promise, there is a point.

Most recently, within the last year, I have decided that I want to remain single, for good. I do not feel I need someone in my life, I feel I am complete alone, and I love being alone. I cannot wait to have my tiny home in the middle of nowhere somewhere.

However, when looking at that post I made 7 years ago, and wondering to myself, how did I change so much since then that I now see that it was such a vicious post that I want to completely erase it from my memory?

I think I owe that all to my move to Oregon. More so, I think I owe that all to Duane, and Edgar.

As we got to know each other, Duane began pointing things out that weren’t, quite in alignment with my being. And I say that in the most forgiving way possible, to myself. These were horrible things. I had nothing against any certain group of people. I had always believed we were all equal. But how could I not see that my actions and words did not align with my thoughts? Thank you for pointing these things out to me and allowing me to correct my actions, and thank you for the patience with my slow understanding of what I was really doing.

It wasn’t finished yet. Most of my words and actions had been corrected, but Edgar then provided a much deeper insight of what it was like in the world of someone from the Latin American culture, living in a world where the leader of our country was treating an entire group of people like criminals. The things he told me his sister dealt with on a daily basis I’ll never forget. Edgar telling me about all of his friends, some of them being very close to him, that were (and still could be) at risk of being deported due to being in the country via the DREAM Act, I’ll never forget. That severe pain in his eyes before I TRULY understood and empathized with what he, his family, and all those of Latin America went through, specifically because of the color of their skin, I’ll never forget.

I am sorry. And I know better now. To you both: thank you.

I have hated myself over the last week of seeing that post I made. I have no idea how I had the mindset to be so cruel back then. I have reconsidered time and time again who I am now, what I know now, and if I am really fully ready to move on from something so awful. I cannot stop thinking about it, and cannot stop thinking about how sorry I am. But, with many tears…I am choosing to forgive myself. And I pledge to continue to learn and grow, and inspire others to do the same.

And now, our world is facing another tragic hardship, and another great awakening of what it is like to go through life as someone with a different skin color. More and more people are becoming aware of how crucial it is to stand together, listen, and empathize.

My request if you are reading this is to talk with someone you know from a different background, and truly try to understand what it is that drives them. Try to understand what has kept them going, and try to understand what it has been in their past that shaped them to be the person they are today.

Only when we truly empathize, will we fully be able to march home towards calm, brothers in arms.