I’m in a calm state of, I don’t know what right now. I feel very peaceful. This was probably one of the worst nights ever, going out at 8 at night to see that not just mine, but my mom’s car AND the portable battery charger were dead. Then going out at 2 am, waking mom up after the numerous click-clickings of my engine, then coming in and grabbing the keys to her van and starting it up, to have her come out yelling at me a week after the worst fight we’ve ever had. I shouted a simple, “hi.” across the yard to her as she continued to scream at the top of her lungs for the whole neighborhood to hear. There was just nothing else to be said.
She had to work at 6 am, and I honestly did feel bad about waking her up. My intentions were to jump my car so it’d be ready for when I had to work at noon, simple, quick, and easy. But no, that’s not what happened. The van ran out of gas. I was just at a loss for words. But she wasn’t. I came back into the house and it seemed like as we were yelling back and forth that things were just starting to completely fall apart and nothing would ever be the same. We each said some hateful words. She asked me if she had a heart attack RIGHT NOW if I would even care. I thought about it for two seconds, and was like, yeah, I would. She yelled at me for having to think about it, just before giving me her answer of, “not really.”
Jump ahead a half hour. We both calmed down a bit. We talked. Things were finally starting to be at peace. I promised her what I had originally intended to promise her the night of the worst fight ever, as calmly as I possibly could, I will never, ever, EVER smoke or drink or do anything that you or I wouldn’t consider right. That’s what the fight all started about, me freaking out for her insinuating that I did drugs, when she knows how strong my morals are.
Jump back before this and before she handed me the key to her van to get it started up again with the spare tank of gas I had in my trunk (which actually was hard to get to, seeing as how my car battery was completely dead and the key to the trunk for some odd reason didn’t come with the car). She was crying and crying and in hysterics about how she was going to have to call the towing company just to get her car running. This is before she and I calmed down, the storm before the calm. Things were terrible, and we both felt it. She told me to move out, and she told me that the night of the fight she went to my uncle’s house in fear of me. That night I didn’t care. This night I felt horrible about that. She never did give me a sincere apology for accusing me of doing drugs. I gave her one though.
Jump ahead to me pouring gas in her car in the light rain, which, I didn’t know why the rain was happening in the first place, it’s the freaking middle of January. Jump to her car BARELY not turning over even after the five gallons I poured into her tank. In fear of her coming out and yelling again, I tried to jump my car one last time. If this didn’t work, I’d have to call off work, and that just wouldn’t be good, considering I really need the money. I stood back and looked at both cars, hoods up, jumper cables attached, facing each other. This had to work. But knowing my car, and knowing the battery was completely dead, I was skeptical. Although, very at peace. And I wasn’t quite sure why. And then the thought hit me.
“I tend to believe that things are not always as bad as they seem.”
The light in my car turned on. I shut the door as to not waste the battery any more than it should be. I just stood there staring at the two cars for a minute or two, occasionally looking up to the sky to see that, holy crap, it is still raining, when will this end?
It stopped raining shortly after that.
I got in my car, and reluctantly turned the key. Click. Click. No luck. I looked back to the house to see if it had woken her, which at this state, I didn’t think she’d even care after the night we had. I looked to the backseat of my car, where the portable jumper was still attached to my battery (which is cleverly located in my car under the backseat), but not on. I figured it was worth a shot. The lights on the dash got a bit brighter. I sat there for a minute with my eyes closed. I was tired. I’m still tired. But this is what I do when I’m tired.
The car turned on. I just sat there in this moment of THANK GOD! for the longest time. I shut it off and took both the jumper and jumper cables off of my car, and it still managed to turn on. Moments like that I just want to jump in the air and shout at the sky. Strange how just an hour before, I just wanted to shout. But all was good then.
Until I came in the house and mom asked for her key. I reached in my pockets and was thinking, hm, not here at all. She almost started to reach the storm stage again, but I just told her to calm down, I probably just dropped them in the yard somewhere. While she is nearly in hysterics again looking for a flashlight, looking around the house where I could have POSSIBLY left that key, I go out and see it in the yard right beside where I had left the jumper cables. I hand her the key as she walked upstairs.
I honestly did and still do feel bad that she’s getting barely any sleep because of me, but hey. At least she got twenty bucks of gas put in her car. That’s worth the loss of two hours of sleep, right? I’d give up those hours every night.
All in all, I think this was a good thing that happened. She would have probably run out of gas on her way to work this morning had she forgot to stop to get some on her way there. I got my car started. And we kind of made a little bit of peace with one another.
Jump back to us talking calmly with each other just before I’m about to pour the gas in her car. “I just want everything to be alright…”
“What do you even mean? What to be alright?”
“I just want everything to be alright. Just everything. That’s all I ever want.”
And maybe one day, the world will be alright. And there will be no pain. And everyone will be safe. On that day, we will be in charge, of our emotions, of everything around us. The “we” who believe in a world such as this, the “we” who believe they can change it for the better. I believe it.
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